Julian Gough in the Guardian, and at Small Wonder. (Busy week for the lazy lad.)

I wrote a piece in today's Guardian about the increasingly pervy relationship between the short story and the novel. Feel free to read it, comment on it, ignore it, as you wish.

Why was I writing about the short story, you ask, given that I know bugger all about it?

Because on Saturday, September 22nd, at 4.30pm, I'm reading at the Small Wonder festival with James Lasdun, last year's winner of the National Short Story Prize.

Allow me to plug it shamelessly, because it is run by good people, and the Guardian forgot to print the festival dates or website address at the bottom of my article... Small Wonder is the only festival devoted entirely to short stories, and it runs from 19-23 September, at Charleston near Firle, East Sussex (in England, which is part of Europe...)

Their website with all the info is *here*.

Lots of interesting writers will be there: Monica Ali, Lucy Ellmann, Esther Freud, Etgar Keret, James Lasdun, Yiyun Li, Jon Snow, Colm Tóibín, Fay Weldon...

My hot tip for Small Wonder (apart from me and James Lasdun) is Lucy Ellmann and Etgar Keret, 7.30pm on Thursday. Should kick literary ass.

Who Killed Tony Wilson? We Name The Guilty Men.

The splendid Tony Wilson, former head of Factory Records, died on August 10th, aged 57. The death of the man who gave the world Joy Division, New Order, and Happy Mondays, and who built the Haçienda, has been attributed to complications arising from kidney cancer.

 
Nonsense.

 
I blame Tony Wilson's sadly early demise on the sequence of ferocious blows to the head he received from my friends Gareth Allen (the artist) and Phil "The Punk" Rose (the photographer), during a Toasted Heretic gig in the Powerhaüs in London around 1990. (Tony Wilson and some heavy friends were checking us out, after Factory's A&R chief at the time, the extraordinarily nice Phil Saxe, had praised us highly.)

 

Sadly, only one photo survives from that night (and it's here). Phil and Gareth, to add a little class to the evening,  mingled with the crowd while wearing Roman togas (made from the curtains of their flat in Walthamstow), and fed the crowd grapes. When the grapes ran out, Gareth and Phil began to bang Tony Wilson on the head with a Charles and Di Royal Wedding full-colour souvenir teatray, tastefully adapted by Gareth with felt tip pens so that Charles and Di had swastikas for eyes. (Was a young Bobby Gillespie in the audience and taking thoughtful notes for these Primal Scream lyrics? We shall never know...)

It started out as a quite friendly tapping, and Tony was nervously amused. But soon the Romans were beating Tony Wilson like a gong, putting many dents in the tea tray, bringing him to his knees, while Wilson's extremely heavy minders looked on in tremendous confusion, unsure if this was part of the show, which was already a bit out of hand. (Maybe "out of hand" isn't quite the term. While I was singing "Lost and Found", a girl plunged a hand down the crotch of my skintight pink jumpsuit, and discovered that I wasn't wearing anything else. One of those awkward social moments, where you both hesitate, neither party quite sure what the etiquette is. I kept singing, though my voice may have briefly risen an octave.)

It ended, as did many Toasted Heretic gigs, in confusion.

We did not sign to Factory Records.

Later Gareth, while attempting to mount a bronze lion, fell into a fountain in Trafalgar Square and split his head open. Gareth and Phil wandered off, in their togas, in search of a hospital. We carried the drums and amps back to their place, and wondered would we see them again.

At dawn, Gareth, his soaked and bloodstained toga long lost, arrived home triumphant, having travelled barefoot across London wearing a backless hospital gown which revealed his bum. Protected only by his Virtue, and by Phil in a toga.


Ah yes, in those days we made our own entertainment. So anyway, Gareth and Phil murdered Tony Wilson. A long-forgotten fragment of Royal Wedding Tea-Tray must have shifted a fatal millimetre.

Biggest crash in world history coming up

None of my friends want to talk to me about economics, which is frustrating. Because I think we are in for an almighty wipeout in the financial markets, which has only barely begun to get going. And that is interesting, and worth a conversation.

 

As I have posted previously, I think a lot of exotic financial products, and a lot of very exotic investment strategies done with borrowed money, are about to fail spectacularly. As a side effect, a lot of perfectly solid markets (in stocks, bonds, property, commodities) are going to be cut in half, and a lot of institutions, to their intense surprise, are going to be wiped out.

 

More specifically, I predict the implosion of a very large number of hedge funds over the next year or two (and probably a lot sooner than that). Let's be more specific: I suspect that more than 25% of the hedge funds in existence today will not exist in two years time. (Oh come Julian, don't be shy, what do you REALLY think? Well, I really think at least half of them could vanish, but I'm trying to sound conservative and thoughtful here.)

 

And I think we'll lose more than one really, really big, globally known bank, insurer, and/or pension fund.

 

We may not lose them technically: governments and central banks will probably try to coordinate a rescue. But if they survive, they'll have been artificially resuscitated after having gone under.

 

Also, a lot of junk bonds will turn out to be junk. A shedload of private equity firms will go bust, and a stack of grossly overleveraged companies will collapse before 2010.

 

And residential property prices will fall through the floor in real terms over the next couple of years in a bunch of countries, including the USA and my dear and darling Ireland. (Put a figure on it... OK, from peak to trough, a fall of over 30 % in real terms. There. The trough may well take a lot more than a couple of years, mind you, and inflation may mask the fall, but in real terms I'd be surprised if it's less than 30% in Ireland's case. America, being vast and varied, I'll call a fall of over 30% on the coasts and large urban areas, before it eventually bottoms out. Again, I'm being conservative, and secretly think it could be more.)

 

Note that I think the real-world economy is in pretty good nick right now. But the financial world, across many asset classes, is about to have the biggest crash (in dollar terms) in the world's history. Bigger than the dotcom blowout? Yes. Will it wreck the real economy? Don't know. Haven't I predicted enough for ye? Don't be greedy.

 

Ah, sure, while we're at it, we'll lose at least one of the Big Three American car companies. 

 

Well, that has the potential to make me look very stupid indeed in 2010...

 


Anyone want to argue? 

Prison, murder, fork-lift trucks, whisky and milk.

The more eventful life gets, the less time available to blog about the events. This tension is at the heart of blogging: running a well-crafted and frequently updated blog is best suited to a mildly depressed person who hasn't left their  house for a month.

 

I, as you can probably tell from the long silence, have been cheerful, and out of the house.

 

Since last I posted, I have been in Her Majesty's Prison, Birmingham,  performed at the Latitude Festival in Suffolk,  passed a few days in a Buddhist retreat centre in Cavan, met up with old friends in Tipperary, Galway, Dublin, Bray, Kildare, London, and Berlin, had interesting conversations with cocaine smugglers, drunken novelists, monks, and marine biologists. I have been awarded a Monaghan GAA medal, been photographed lying on the pavement in front of the GPO on O'Connell Street, and invited to write articles, kiss strangers, and play football. I have peered into the bulk storage tank of a milking parlour, been handed a large Celtic Cross in a Leitrim pub (made by a senior IRA member while interned in the Curragh during World War Two, out of matchsticks taken from the floor of that pub and sent to him by his mother), and fed home-made treacle bread.


I have passed through shrine rooms, paddling pools and X-ray machines. I have looked up Damon Albarn's nose. I have chatted with the delightful James Franco (Harry Osborn in the Spiderman films). I have failed to answer several hundred emails. I have stagedived at  three readings. I have read, written, and edited. I've had an article published. I have had a novel reprinted. I have been reviewed, interviewed, and body searched. I have lost my temper. I have brushed my teeth.

 

I have officially launched a novel in Filthy McNasties pub in Islington, signed hardbacks all day in a warehouse in Littlehampton, and tried to track down mysterious parcels that were sent to me in Berlin while I was away, and returned by Deutsch Post to their mysterious senders.

 

I have gone speeding in the tallest forklift truck in the world. 

 

I have drunk strong whisky (Laphroaig quarter cask, 48% alcohol by volume when bottled, barrier filtered, single Islay malt), and used strong language. I've drunk milk, and spoken mildly.

 

I have picked a fantasy football team, and read the poetry of Matthew Sweeney, and of T. S. Eliot, and of Dr. Seuss.

 

Friends of mine have married, sold cattle, broken their noses, and given evidence in murder trials. 

 

I have slept (but not enough, not enough) in tents, five star hotels and fields. On couches, floors, beds,  futons, and grass.

 

I've watched the Atlantic advance up the beaches of Salthill, and liquidity retreat from the markets of the world. 

 

I'll try to post something about some of it sometime but the future is arriving faster than I can process the past. 

Galway Advertiser reviews Jude: Level 1! Wild celebrations in Gough apartment! Neighbours call police!

Well, if you've ever lived in Galway, as I did for twenty years, this is THE BIG ONE. Oh, the Irish Times is all very well, the Washington Post has its charms, the New York Times... (hmmm, let's not go there, girlfriend...), the Observer is good and well, and the Guardian is very nice... but the Galway Advertiser review is the one that has you holding your breath. Everyone that you know, everyone you will casually bump into for the next month, will have read it.

 

And the Galway Advertiser verdict is in on Jude: Level 1... and it's good!

 

Here's how it starts:

 

"Jude: Level 1, the hilarious new novel by Julian Gough, is a tour de farce, a comic chronicle of the history of the Irish psyche which takes the reader from the middle of the 20th century to the post-Celtic Tiger ennui of today, at breakneck speed. "

 

I may well be sticking that on the back of the next edition. Very happy. Very proud. I can safely show my face in Galway at the Arts Festival (I'm reading there on the 24th of July).

 

Read the rest here....

Me Waffling On At The Eleventh Hour

If any of you would like to avoid hearing me waffling on yet again about how great me and my book are, then don't tune into The Eleventh Hour tonight at 11pm on Ireland's RTÉ Radio 1. Páraic Breathnach,1026334-733499-thumbnail.jpg
Páraic Breathnach...
a leather-skirt wearing monster of a man from Connemara, will be interrogating me for twenty or thirty minutes, at the end of which I hope he will give me the sound thrashing I deserve.

http://www.rte.ie/radio1/theeleventhhour/

No doubt the whole distasteful event will be archived by RTÉ, in a spirit of public service, and made available for the discouragement of others. 1026334-733500-thumbnail.jpg

American Gods, and London literary novelists

I just read a book review, in Saturday's enjoyable and infuriating  Guardian Review, which throws some interesting light on what's wrong with the modern literary novel, and with modern literary criticism, and with the modern literary ghetto. (A ghetto that doesn't know it's a ghetto: a ghetto that thinks it is the world.)

 

The review is by Kamila Shamsie (author of Broken Verses, a literary novel, published by Bloomsbury). It is of The Opposite House, by Helen Oyeyemi  (also a literary novel, also published by Bloomsbury... but that incestuous connection isn't the main problem, thought it does reveal a lot about the tiny size of the British literary pond).

 

This is the first line of the review: "The Opposite House is not the first novel to suggest that migration is a condition, not an event; but it may be the first to contend that the condition afflicts no one so profoundly as the gods." 

 

Now, I couldn't quite believe that was her opening claim. But it was.  She really thought that her stablemate at Bloomsbury was probably "the first to contend" that migration "afflicts no one so profoundly as the gods". And editors and sub-editors had let this stand.

 

Which means that nobody involved in the whole process was aware that Neil Gaiman had spent nearly six hundred pages, in his novel American Gods (which is not "literary", nor published by Bloomsbury), writing about nothing but how migration profoundly afflicts the gods.

 

Now, American Gods is not an obscure book: It is recent (published in 2001). It was immensely successful (a New York Times bestseller in both hardback and paperback, a best-seller all over the world). It was very, very widely reviewed (my current paperback edition contains four densely-packed pages of rave reviews, which range from the Washington Post through William Gibson to The Independent).  And it has won about as many awards as a book can win. It lifted not only both of the biggest science fiction awards (the fan-voted Hugo, and the writer-voted Nebula), but also the main horror award (the Bram Stoker Award), as well as the Locus Award for best fantasy novel. A novel by a British writer, set firmly in modern America, it crossed genre boundaries. It found a huge readership.  It could not have made a bigger splash.

 

But American Gods is not a "literary novel", so it is perfectly acceptable for a literary novelist, reviewing a literary novel which is (among other things) trying to do the same thing as American Gods (but years later, on a much smaller scale), to totally fail to mention it. Not only fail to mention it, but to claim that the idea may well have just been invented by her fellow Bloomsbury novelist.

 

I  don't mean to pick on Kamila Shamsie by pointing this out. The fault is in the literary culture, it's certainly not Shamsie's. Her review is a perfectly honourable and fair-minded review from inside the literary tradition.  Anyone that the Guardian was likely to ask to review  The Opposite House would have done pretty much the same. And if Kamila Shamsie hadn't boldly said "but it may be the first to contend that the condition afflicts no one so profoundly as the gods," she wouldn't have revealed the limits of her reading (always a brave and dangerous thing for a writer to do). Most current literary reviewers are just as limited in their reading. (And most SF reviewers are also stuck in their ghetto: and most crime reviewers: but they at least know they live in a ghetto, and that what they read is a genre. The problem with the literary novel is that it is becoming a genre again, and doesn't know it...)

 

I am discussing Kamila Shamsie's single, revealing line in such depth, not because it is unusual, but because it exposes something absolutely typical. Literary novels are reviewed only in terms of other literary novels, by people who do not read outside that ghetto, and who are quite unaware of how tiny a world they inhabit. (Though surely a London-based, literary novelist, published by Bloomsbury, who finds themselves reviewing a London-based, literary novelist, who is published by Bloomsbury, must start to get the vague feeling that their world is shrinking alarmingly.)

 

If you don't know either book: Helen Oyeyemi's book (set in the modern world), in dealing with a troubled modern woman also deals with the Yoruba gods, including Yemaya, "who", according to the review, "has travelled with her believers to different parts of the world, including Cuba.." One of the most powerful sections in American Gods deals with exactly those Yoruba gods, coming with their believers to the Caribbean islands. But then, Gaiman's American Gods tries to deal with pretty much all the ancient gods, struggling to survive, as belief in them dies, in the modern Americas.

 

American Gods is an epic attempt by a British writer to write the great American Novel. It isn't perfect (a perfect novel is an oxymoron), but it blows almost everything in the literary pages of the Guardian Review out of the green water and high into the blue sky.

 

Helen Oyeyemi may well have written a wonderful book, I don't know.  Kamila Shamsie may well be a thoughtful reviewer, and a fine literary novelist in her own right, I don't know.  But a review of The Opposite House should at least mention American Gods. The contrast would be useful, interesting, revealing. An intimate story, in contrast with an epic. A woman's story, in contrast with a man's. But two books by ambitious writers, dealing with the same idea; displaced gods, struggling to adapt in our modern world. You can't  ignore the writer who did it first, just because he wasn't published by Bloomsbury.

 

A literary culture that can't connect these dots has serious nerve-damage.


 

First reviews are in!

Well, the first reviews of Jude: Level 1 are in, and it isn't even officially published till Monday (July 2nd, 2007). A great review in the Guardian. No, not that Guardian. You're obviously not from Tipperary. Let me start again.

The Nenagh Guardian has scooped the world!

Unfortunately I can't link to the review, because the Nenagh Guardian (or to use its full, historic title, "The Nenagh Guardian or Tipperary (North Riding) and Ormond Advertiser, incorporating the Nenagh News and the Tipperary Vindicator"), hasn't updated its website lately. But it was a good review, trust me, my mother read it out to me down the phone.

Meanwhile, in cyberspace, the first review is also in, and it's a doozy. A lot of people had pre-ordered Jude: Level 1 on Amazon. Now, Amazon, being Efficient and Modern and Devoted to Customer Service, sent out the pre-ordered copies as soon as the books arrived in the warehouse, way ahead of the publication date. Thus I have my first five star review on Amazon.co.uk, from the delightful Peter Kettle. (He has also just sent me one of the most charming emails I've ever received.) It is such a splendid review, I am going to quote it in full here, and then go to bed and dream happy dreams:

"What happens when you cross Douglas Adams with Sam Beckett?", 29 Jun 2007 By Peter Kettle (Sussex, United Kingdom) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

"If you're one of those people who skip to the end of reviews for a sound bite I'll be kind and start with one: Jude: Level 1 is that rare thing, a novel that's funny and beautifully written.

For those who like a bit more meat in a review I'd say this is funny, stimulating, vividly exciting, and brilliantly written without a single boring cliche in sight. It's got a bit of Douglas Adams in it, and a smattering of Flann O'Brien. A small portion of it got minced up with Beckett, enough to get you imagining some great Irish heavy drinker like Jack McGowran. His fruity voice would be exactly right for this story of serial demolitions. McGowran would probably embroider the whole mad story into the creamy top of his Guinness. How often do you come across a writer who can make humour deep? Joyce of course, Beckett certainly, but it's pretty thin after that. Nutbeam's party in Annie Proulx's fab `The Shipping News' gets close to the same feeling, so if you enjoyed that one you'll go for this one.

Okay, who the hell am I to say this? I'm just a painter scratching a living who happens to be a fan of reading. I'm also keen on exploding buildings, and this novel manages to destroy lots of them. It also runs circles around those everyday Oirish accounts of hard times, famines and gangsters. Despite having several orphans in it the story doesn't for one moment get syrupy, and every time an orphan gets killed you'll laugh.

I shall be rooting for the next bits of this story on the net. I'll be ordering the hardback as soon as I can. It's a cheerful book with a skewed logic of its own, and I hope it becomes a major prizewinner. I want to see it issued as a film; as a range of kitchen utensils; and most of all in a signed limited edition, bound in the skin of the Salmon of Knowledge. You'll just have to read it to find out what the hell I'm talking about."

-Peter Kettle

Hurrah! Hurrah! And now I'm off to bed.

Geneva reading, hardbacks, other news...

Some nice comments on the Loudness War piece over on my myspace page (from Debbie Lear and Michael Knight), so I will return to that subject soon, and tell the True Tale of Toasted Heretic's Part in That Great Battle.

Meanwhile, this post is terse and businesslike. The novel comes out in two weeks, so here's some last-minute news:

I'm reading in Geneva this coming Monday (18th of July 2007). Do tell any Swiss friends who might be in the neighbourhood. More info from the Geneva Literary Aid Society.

And we're bringing out a hardback of Jude: Level 1. Probably a limited edition, probably signed (by me). It should arrive in the shops around the same time as the paperback. More news on that soon. Everything's gone to press now, so it's starting to feel real. My copy of the hardback is in the post. I'll put the new, finished cover up on the website as soon as it arrives. I'm told it's only gorgeous.

It looks like I'll be doing a few readings over the summer, in Geneva, Galway, Dromineer, and several in the UK (including a damn good music festival) which will be confirmed very soon. More on those once they're definite...

Some radio stuff is being firmed up, both English and Irish, also some press and magazine stuff... more when the dates are nailed down. Subscribe to the RSS feed, if you're keen to hear it all as it's announced...

Only two weeks to go, holy guacamole...

The Loudness War

When people say that music doesn't sound as good these days, they usually just mean they aren't having as much sex these days.

But, if you liked the way pop music used to sound fifteen years ago, then the music genuinely doesn't sound as good these days, and it's for straightforward technical reasons.

For several years, record companies have been fighting a secret war, the Loudness War, and it has changed the sound of pop music. Really, "changed" is too small a word for it. It has abolished the dynamic range of pop music. The loud bits are no longer loud, and the quiet bits are no longer quiet. And here is why…

Record companies want their albums to sound louder than the other guy's album, in shops, on your hi-fi, wherever, because people tend to think that the louder of two songs is the better of two songs. That’s just the way our brains are wired.

So record companies have been boosting the overall loudness of CDs. But there's a maximum loudness limit to the digital signal on a CD. Increasing the overall loudness increases the loudness of the quiet bits: but it doesn't (it can't) increase the loudness of the bits that were already at maximum loudness.

Imagine the loudest part of a song as Mount Everest, and the quietest part as the bottom of a valley, five miles below. There is a physical upper limit on how loud the song can get on a CD: metaphorically, nothing can be taller than Mount Everest. Ten or twenty years ago, songs had a five-mile dynamic range: songs had dramatic peaks and troughs. Quiet bits whispered, and loud bits roared.

By raising the volume of the quiet bits, the Loudness War has filled in the valleys. Which makes the mountains seem much, much smaller.

The loud bits still roar: but now the quiet bits roar too. So you turn down the overall volume on your iPod or stereo or computer, to a more comfortable overall volume. Which means that, perversely, you don’t get the benefit of the “louder” album. But you do lose the dynamics which made the original song interesting.

This is why re-releases of old albums often sound strangely flat and undramatic compared to your memory of the vinyl or early CD original. They ARE less dramatic. They’ve been remastered “louder”.

It also makes them more tiring to listen to.

You know how you talk to your friends? Mostly you’re just talking away, but now and then one of you gets excited and shouts, and it’s exciting because it doesn’t happen very often? Well, if Warner Brothers reissued that conversation, YOU WOULD ALL BE SHOUTING ALL THE TIME. PASS THE SALT. THANKS. I’M GLAD IT’S RAINING, THE GARDEN NEEDS IT. WOULD ANYONE LIKE A COFFEE? SURE. ME TOO. YEAH I’LL HAVE A COFFEE, NO MILK. I LOVE YOUR HAT.

Very, very tiring. And if someone got shot in the middle of it, Jesus Christ appeared, and the world ended, you wouldn’t notice, because it would all happen at exactly the same volume as a polite request for a biscuit.

Here’s a great visual explanation of what’s been going on, in three minutes of excellent video:







More on this later maybe, if anyone cares.

Dick Cavett on comedy writing

Dick Cavett, the former gag-writer, TV host, and gold-medal pommel horse state gymnastics champion of Nebraska, has been writing about comedy in his New York Times blog. He makes a great point about comedy writing: the more of it you do, the better you get. Which is why writers who write in the tragic mode often find themselves stuck there. Even if they wanted to write comedy, they haven't built up the muscles. But here's Dick, in his own words:

"Talking about comedy writing last time, I omitted an interesting phenomenon thereto: the fact that the gag-writer’s brain often works independently of his conscious mind. Sometimes alarmingly so. Because the topical joke-writer’s livelihood depends on his ability to crank out — if the show is on daily — good, current stuff, fast and for immediate use. And after a great deal of this, there’s something that develops and takes on a life of its own.

The late Steve Allen noted that the more comedy you write, the more you can write. It happened to me. Thrown instantly into the front lines, as I was, of daily writing for Jack Paar on “The Tonight Show” — a task nothing at Yale prepares you for — it seemed that each day of the week got a bit easier. Monday hardest, Friday a breeze. Friday’s jokes seemed to write themselves. Rust set in on the weekend and again, Monday wasn’t easy."

 

Cavett goes on to describe the problem of having an unstoppable joke-generator running in your head at times of national tragedy. A friend of his was writing  jokes for Bob Hope on the day John F. Kennedy was assassinated. He tells Cavett:

 

“There I was, stunned, driving to Bob’s house in Toluca Lake as usual, but with tears running down my face, and those unbidden jokes kept vomiting out of me. My joke-writing muscles were in tip-top shape and, to mix a metaphor, I couldn’t halt the machinery.”

 The whole piece is very interesting if you're into the psychology of writing comedy, as is Cavett's previous posting "A Life In Rim Shots", which tries to answer the question, "What does it take to be a comedy writer?"

 

Like many other theorists before him, Cavett ultimately has to throw up his hands:

 

"The brain process that results in a joke materializing where no joke was before remains a mystery. I’m not aware of any scholarly, scientific or neurological studies on the subject. The crux of the mystery is, when exactly does the ad-lib artist become aware of the spontaneous joke he has just spouted. In the case of a comic genius like Groucho, I’m convinced that the process in the speaker’s head that results in funny words spoken is somehow preconscious. Sitting next to him, I saw him be both delighted and . . . this is important . . . surprised by what he had just heard himself say. He was as much the audience to the joke as the rest of us who heard it."

 

Well worth a read. These guys were the poor bloody infantry of comedy, banging out hour after hour of topical jokes for the TV stars, night after night, in the age of live TV. Probably nobody in history has had to come up with more jokes than these guys. Their brains should be dissected. (After they're dead.)

Set Up, Joke, Set Up, Joke



I've spent too long lately in the mirrored underworld of the literary blogs. (Too long = more than an hour a day for more than three days.)  So, to restore myself to health, I have been reading Rob Long's Set Up, Joke, Set Up, Joke. Whenever the idiocy of Literatureland seems too much to bear, a quick trip to Hollywoodland reminds you that it could be infinitely worse.

 
Rob Long wrote a bunch of episodes of Cheers. Towards the end, he executive-produced some, too. And, with his writing and producing partner, Dan Staley, he went on to write and produce a bunch of other TV stuff that (like almost everything ever done by anyone ever) wasn't as ludicrously successful as Cheers.

In the post-Cheers comedown he also wrote Conversations With My Agent, a grim classic that pretty much explains itself. Set Up, Joke, Set Up, Joke is the followup. Both are funny, have hidden emotional depths, and will help you a lot if you ever, God forbid, find yourself writing for television or the movies in Hollywood.

Here's Rob Long on pitching versus writing. This is as good an explanation as I've ever read of what's wrong with the entire development process in Hollywood:

 

"Most writers prefer to pitch an idea before they write it, but in our experience, this leads to difficulty.

    The whole point of writing a treatment – or, better yet, writing an entire script – is that there’s very little confusion left about what, exactly, the show will be about and who, exactly, the star or stars of the show will be, and what, precisely, is or is not funny about it.

But when you pitch a show, you pitch into the wide blue sky. You pitch the general idea, the concept – whatever that means – and you naturally smooth the sharp edges and tailor the pitch to the involuntary reactive facial muscles on the face of the highest ranking decision-maker in the room. It’s almost impossible not to. A pitch is like a performance by a raggedy subway clown. He just wants you to love him and toss him some change.

    So the network hears what it wants to hear: that your show will be perfect for an actor they have a deal with; that it will concentrate on family life, snugly fitting into an open 8.30 PM slot; that its point of view will be single people, or urban dwellers, or blue collar, or married with childrens, or whomever the target audience is for that network, on that night, that week.

But you go back to your office, mysteriously forgetting the shabby desperation of your pitch. You start writing the idea that was in your head before you started talking to the impassive face of the network executive, before he or she started grinning slightly, before the first laugh, before you made the sale.

And in the ensuing weeks – and sometimes months – between the sale of the script based on the pitch (which usually takes place in October or November) and the actual writing and delivery of the finished draft (sometime in January or even early February), the difference between what they bought and what you sold becomes enormous.”


Intolerable writing conditions

The worst thing about success is that it is intensely boring to read about. As I lie about the house here in Berlin, sipping champagne from the slipper of Kate Moss, while scratching that difficult-to-reach itch in the small of my back with the stiletto heel of Heidi Klum, I am in agony, LITERAL EXISTENTIAL AGONY, wondering what to blog about. "Tell me again your fascinating Theories of the Comedy, Julian," whispers Heidi in my ear, and I swat her away with her own discarded... what on earth is that thing? So tiny, how does she... Dammit, I am trying to Think.

How can a man be expected to write under these intolerable conditions?  How I yearn for the good old days, when I was homeless, my belly rumbling, writing Jude by flickering candlelight, in a cardboard box, under a bridge.

Wish I'd never won the bloody  National Short Story Prize.

 

Toasted Heretic on the Late Late Show

One of the more peculiar side-effects of my winning the National Short Story Prize has been the appearance of my venerable old band, Toasted Heretic, on Ireland's oldest and most venerable television chat-show, the Late Late.

 

After a brief interview (where I was asked about the prize, modern Ireland, and Jude: Level 1), I wandered across the studio to join the rest of Toasted Heretic and we played "Galway and Los Angeles",  which was originally a hit single in Ireland in 1991. (It peaked at number 9. It was also Single of the Week in the dear, departed (Allan Jones/Chris Roberts era) Melody Maker in the UK. In France, an import copy was played by Bernard Lenoir on French national radio until the grooves wore flat, though the single was never officially released there.)

 The performance is up on Youtube.

A strange but enjoyable evening. Everyone who was ever in Heretic played, so it was the full wall-of-guitars line-up  (seen previously only on the Now In New Nostalgia Flavour tour): me on vocals, Neil Farrell on drums and sampler, Declan Collins on lead guitar, Aengus McMahon on electric rhythm guitar, Breffni O'Rourke on  acoustic rhythm, and Barry Wallace on bass guitar.

 

Let us draw a silken veil over the debauch which followed, in the Westbury Hotel.

 

I've been talking to Aengus, official photographer to the band (ie the only guy who had a camera in the old days... now a very successful professional photographer), and we're going to stick up a bunch of old Toasted Heretic photos here in the next month or two. Watch this embarrassing space...

 

The Sound Of One God Laughing

As I just mentioned in the news section, my long essay on comedy and the novel is in the current, May, issue of Prospect magazine, in All Good Newsagents. You can read it free here. (And you can read a lot of people arguing about it in the Guardian here.)

The essay sums up a lot of my thoughts on the state of the modern literary novel, and on the state of Western Culture. (That's "state" in the rather Irish sense of, "God, would you look at the state of Western Culture, hey Ted? Has it drink taken, or what?")

And given that the essay is about four and a half thousand words long, I think that's enough to be getting on with for today. Class dismissed! Go on out and play in the yard.

I'd Like To Thank Everybody For Everything

This is insane, I'm too busy to visit my own website.

I will soon post a full account of what happened in London on Monday, from BAFTA to Groucho (from croissant to kebab). Right now, can I just thank everyone who has congratulated me by text, email, blog comment, phone, forum posting, telex and pigeon. I'll try to answer everyone individually over the next while. My Irish mobile has died of love, and I can't get at any voice messages or texts. It will, however, return from the dead on the third day, and speak in many tongues, when I get a new charger for it here in Berlin (I left the old one plugged into London...)

 WWhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 Fortuna's wheel is going UP. Fun while it lasts, and it won't last forever. Foolish not to enjoy it.

How To Push Art Down A Pipe

What an interesting week. Elizabeth Baines has been writing very well about the National Short Story Prize, and the controversy over the postponed broadcast of Hanif Kureishi's shortlisted story, in her fine blog, The Tart of Fiction / Fictionbitch.

As she was talking about me in one of her posts, I felt moved to respond. I'll copy my rather lengthy comment to her in here, as it follows on fairly directly from my last post...

 

Hi Elizabeth,

I'm glad you liked my comments on the problems of pushing highly individual works of art down distribution channels designed to handle a standard product.

I have very recent experience of the process, having had my shortlisted story ("The Orphan and the Mob") cut to fit the BBC's thirty minute slot.

Not having read the small-print, I hadn't realised the BBC were going to cut my story until they'd already abridged it and recorded it. The deed was done with no input from me whatsoever. And as you say, when you take out bits of a short story, it isn't the same story any more. A story is about the arrangement of parts, about particular rhythms and resonances, and all of that is totally altered when bits are cut out.

In my case, they removed all the swearing and a lot of the biological detail. Jokes were shortened. (Three variations on a comic riff would be cut back to one, so there was no sense of a riff at all).

So what they broadcast wasn't my story. It was something else.

But... but... but... having been through the process... and having been furious at first... I have come round to another way of looking at it.

Because the finished broadcast was superb. It wasn't my story, but it was great radio. At my suggestion they had cast Conor Lovett, the finest Beckett actor of his generation, as the 18-year old Jude. The BBC had started by auditioning 18 and 20 year olds straight out of drama school. When I reacted with horror, and suggested Conor Lovett, they auditioned him and loved him and cast him. Trust me, the lack of ego required to do that, and the sensitivity to the writer's suggestions, would never occur in, say, the film industry.

And the abridgement was, in its way, terrific. It was sensitive to the rhythms of the piece, and when it changed them, as it did, it managed to find new rhythms that worked. Usually slightly faster, more staccato ones, because of the cuts, but that gave it an energy which a linear medium like radio needs.

They took out some of my favorite Irish swearing ("Ardcrony ballocks!") and all mentions of urethral sphincters (and the original had a lot of them), but I can understand that, at three thirty in the afternoon, if the BBC broadcast my story intact, it would probably not get its charter renewed. Do you really want the playgrounds of England to resound to cries of "Ardcrony ballocks!" I think not.

And much of the cutting made it work better for radio. You can't pretend a short story is best transferred intact to radio. It isn't. My story ended with a purely visual sequence, where Jude, as he leaves the burning orphanage, hears the scratched orphanage single clearly for the first time. We read his uncomprehending and phonetic version of the lyrics,

"Some...
Where...
Oh...
Werther...
Aon...
Bo..."

and we realise (but he does not) that it's "Somewhere over the rainbow..."

Well all that just cannot be done on the radio. The bilingual puns ("Aon bo" is the Irish for "One cow") and all the rest only exist as words on paper. They've got to go.

But this is radio: And what they replaced all the description with was simply this: the song itself, rising over Jude's final words (which are, unknown to Jude, from the Wizard of Oz, and from Yeats' "Leda and the Swan", and which work fine on the radio.)

And with Conor Lovett's truly extraordinary delivery, and Judy Garland's actual voice, I think the BBC created a moment that was better, more emotionally powerful, than my original. I really did feel the hairs rise on the back of my neck, and along my legs, no kidding.

And that is why, even though the BBC cut off my ballocks and removed my urethral sphincter, I think they should have their charter renewed. They can't win, trying to broadcast tough art in daytime slots. But they do as good a job as anyone could, and the alternative isn't a Nirvana of great art broadcast uncut to millions at lunchtime. It's no art broadcast at all.

A bit of me would like everyone, everywhere, to hear all of it, at all hours. But that's a child's wish. Everyone everywhere doesn't want to hear it, urethral sphincters and all.

And the original story still exists on the page for all of those who do.

And my mum rang me after the broadcast to tell me how much she'd enjoyed it. Which was a result.

I think it's still up on the Radio 4 website, at

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/arts/afternoon_reading.shtml

Press the button for Tuesday. It'll be up till Tuesday 24th of April, after that I don't know.

Anyway, great blog Elizabeth. Keep it up, and best of luck,

-Julian Gough

www.juliangough.com
www.myspace.com/juliangough

A Vision of Ireland came out of Dev's Hole!

I was definitely too hard on the BBC in my last post. I've only just listened to their version of "The Orphan and the Mob" (as opposed to reading the text of their version), and it works incredibly well as radio. I do mourn some of the stuff they cut out, but they  jam-packed an entire half hour, which is twice their usual length for short stories, and if I were to put anything back I'd just have to take something else out. So, damn good job done by the abridger. Conor Lovett is so good I nearly cried with happiness. Perfect deadpan comic delivery throughout, and then a stunning, restrained, emotional finish that really thumps you in the heart and changes the way you feel about all the previous laughter. So subtle, and so powerful.

Given that it had to go out at 3.30 in the afternoon, they left it as strong as they probably could get away with. I wish they hadn't cut so many Tipperary placenames, but I will die a happy man having heard the line "A Vision of Ireland came out of Dev's Hole!" broadcast on the BBC in daylight.

 Meanwhile, the fact that the BBC have postponed Hanif Kureishi's story is becoming news. I have tremendous sympathy for both sides there. They're both right, given their different situations. Like a fox trying to eat a rabbit, and a rabbit trying to escape a fox, you can understand both, but they can't afford to understand each other.

Nenagh Man On Radio

Just to remind you, on Tuesday the 17th of April 2007, at 3.30pm, the British Broadcasting Corporation will broadcast their cleaned-up version of Julian Gough's "The Orphan And The Mob" on Radio 4. The magnificent Conor Lovett will be reading it. The reading will be available online for the week after the broadcast, from the BBC Radio 4 website.

I should warn you that this is a BBC daytime edit of my story, so you will be shocked and appalled by the lack of bad language or biological detail. Personally I think it's not the same story without lines like "Ardcroney ballocks!", and lots of stuff concerning urethral sphincters under intense pressure. But at least 60% of my story is being broadcast (albeit with its ballocks cut off and urethral sphincter removed), unlike Hanif Kureishi's "Weddings and Beheadings", which the BBC have just pulled. His story is about a guy who's forced to film beheadings. The BBC had a journalist, Alan Johnston, kidnapped in Gaza last month, and a group has just claimed to have beheaded him, so one can understand the BBC's reluctance to broadcast Kureishi's story this week, whether or not you sympathise with that reluctance.

It's great that the BBC are trying to bring attention to the best modern writing by sponsoring this prize, but it does make you wonder how good a fit it is if daytime BBC can't broadcast half of it. I don't know how much they've had to cut from the other stories, but I get the feeling this is proving a more challenging year for them than last year (the first year of the National Short Story Prize) when the stories were by people like William Trevor and Rose Tremain.